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So I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me and honestly I didn’t know how to jump right into creating content again.
Current world events on top of what was already happening in my world sent me over the edge.
I have good days and bad days. I’m always thankful for the good days.
I’m sharing in today’s post a caption that I wrote on Instagram. So even though I may be smiling, laughing or have it together, know that I am not.
My name is Thamarr and I feel things intensely. 𝘈𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦.
So much so that when all these different feelings would flood into me, the only way to sort through and understand them was to write it out in the pages of my journal.
There I was, in my room, with all my intense, mountainous feelings spilling over onto the lined pages of my composition notebook.
Along with my feelings in written form, these pages were often soaked with my tears.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so intensely.
It would save me a lot of energy, if I didn’t love so much. Save me a lot of sleepless nights, if I didn’t care so much. And overall, have a better sense of general well being if I didn’t have to live with the lingering chronic unease I have in my chest when I see racism, injustice, corruption, discrimination, and inequality.
Recent events have sent my intense feelings into overdrive.
I’m flooded with images of lifeless Black bodies and so many layered emotions that trigger more trauma and emotions. It makes sorting through it all so very complicated, to the point I feel as if I’m literally drowning.
𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘺?
The feelings becoming visceral, spilling over into my dreams when I sleep and ready to crash and consume me when I wake.
Past traumas, once blurry and unhealed, comes right into focus and made crystal clear. I can’t look away. I can’t feel it away.
The funny thing is, just like that, I will have a moment of peace, of hope and feel really light.
I honestly don’t know why it happens the way it does was but I thanked God for the moment of respite. It happened to me yesterday morning towards the end of my shift at the hospital.
It honestly felt as if God was like, “Girl, just give it all to me. Give me all of your burning hurt, the rage, the doubt and hopelessness you’re feeling so intensely right now. 𝘐 can take it.”
Because yesterday was the first day in a long time where I didn’t have that intense feeling of unease in my chest (and the first time l felt inspired to write.)
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